Monday, May 19, 2008

Things aren't always as they may outwardly appear

I've been with my husband for 8 years now. Many things have changed during those 8 years, some good, some... not so good. Lately I feel as though we almost coexist. I love him, and I know he loves me, but somewhere along the way, it's almost as though we've lost "like" for each other. No two people on earth share all of the same likes and dislikes, nor can one expect that from a person. As of late, we barely communicate outside of the children. It's very hard on me at times, being home all day with kids, no adult interaction, just to be almost ignored when my adult counterpart enters the front door each night. I often wonder how we got to this point? More importantly, how do we get back to the point of "like" for each other. As with many other couples, we've just learned there are so many things that we do NOT like about one another. So why can't the things that we do appreciate about one another override those things that we don't? I would absolutely LOVE for us to be friends again. We can both be stubborn at times, so anytime the subject matter comes up, it's almost like a radioactive protective shield pops up and just deflects all of my efforts. I'm very honest and upfront about my feelings. I tell him the things I need and desire in my life. Things that are, in my opinion, the things that most people want and desire. I don't like that feeling of being viewed as an enemy everytime I open my mouth about something. I want the absolute best for my children, first and foremost. I keep hoping that with age and time, things will get better. I hope that someday we can work more together as a team, and not against each other. If I could only figure out a way to get us back to that point.....

5 comments:

Debbie Yost said...

I think all marriages go through this. A couple years ago I felt in the same place. We are not an affectionate couple even though we love each other. A couple years ago I talked hubby into going to a marriage renewal class. This is not "our thing" but it was being put on by our local Down syndrome Guild so it was not church based. I am Catholic and although he goes to church with us, he is not. He has issues with organized religion and I do not believe I would have ever gotten him to a church sponsored program. The class had a weekend stay at a local hotel. Even though the class was corney in a lot of ways, it gave me the chance to open some communication on issues that bothered me. I felt like we were more like roommates than husband and wife. Our children never see us kiss. The problems were not all on his side. I had issues as well. This one weekend did so much to help us work through some issues. You should really consider looking into a class. It may be a little weird, but it could really help. If nothing else, it will be a great date night. We have never gone to another class. I was lucky to get him to the one, but it did the job. Maybe we'll go in another 12 years. We've been married almost 16 years and although sometimes he irritates the heck out of me, I love him more each day. I would have been sad if we would have lost that because we let ourselves grow apart. Your children's happiness is important, but don't sacrifice your relationship with your husband for the kids. In the end that is not good for anyone.

Ms. W said...

I read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and it really opened my eyes to what I was doing to sabotage my relationship with him.

Her book is basic and easy to read. You may not agree with all that she says, but for me... it worked as soon as I began incorporating her ideas/concepts.

TexasMomof3 said...

I definitely know that I have my own fair share of issues, so I hope I didn't make him sound all at fault. Like you debbie, our children never seen us kiss, and if they do, we get, "ewwwwww" like we're doing something just awful. It's so saddening at times. I may have to look into a class like that.

ms. w, I appreciate the recommendation and will look for it next time I'm out and about. All advice is certainly welcome. Thanks so much to the both of you!

crazy beautiful mom! said...

It isn't easy when you have any kind of marriage problems...maybe make more time for just the 2 of you. I know it's so hard for us to get out just us and when we do it's so nice, even if just a movie. Hope things start looking brighter :) Oh yeah, I love writing letters to my hubby when things aren't the way I want, I can always express more in writing than words!

SissyMerks said...

My husband and I will be married 15 years in August. We have been through so many things. We were also like this at one point. It is hard when you feel like something is lost and you just co-exsist because there is nothing else to do. A few years ago I broke the pattern and started opening up and just talking. Whether he wanted to hear it or not. I didn't give him a choice. I started openly sharing things deep things. Everything I was feeling and almost forced him to listen. I got him alone as much as I could for "sharing" time. He resisted at first and we had many arguements that ended in tears (mine) but eventually I broke through to him and we have tried to continue the open communication. I think breaking the cycle of just co-exsisting is the hardest part. I am not saying it will work for you. I truly believe that improving our communication saved our marriage. Even if I did have to force him to do it. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong.